“I Just Knew”

I read this post from Jobo and it really struck a nerve with me.

Before I got married, I surveyed a few married friends. I asked them all how they knew their spouse was the one for them. (The fact that I even questioned this probably should have been a big clue for me, huh?)

I got back from a number of them, “I just knew.”

I thought that was total, vomitous bullshit.

Two friends, however, gave me different answers:

K told me that she knew she wanted to be a stay-at-home mom with a large house, and being married to her husband could give her that life. Sure, her husband traveled a ton and she rarely saw him, which enabled her to have an affair (before she had kids) with a guy who would do the “one thing” her husband didn’t like to do, but she was “happy.” She chose financial support over emotional support. We don’t see each other much these days, but she seems happy. But social networking is not real life.

L told me basically the same thing: She chose the lifestyle that her husband could give her. And, yeah, she loved him (though maybe not really passionately), and maybe he didn’t totally appreciate all she did, but she could handle it. Sure, he worked ridiculously long hours to keep them in that lifestyle so she didn’t get to spend as much time with him as she wanted. And, yeah, she almost had an affair, too, but cut it off before it could get too serious. I haven’t spoken to her in years, but I suspect she’s still “happily” married.

I didn’t think about the affairs these women had. I thought about the choice they each made. I was very happy with my lifestyle. My fiance (at the time) and I made a very good living together. His family was very close, social, and supportive. He had an amazing social circle. We traveled a lot.  I made a conscious choice that this was the life I wanted, even if I didn’t have a passionate love.

Without realizing it, I also chose disrespect from an argumentative egotist. I chose submission. I chose isolation from my friends and my own family. I chose to be berated when I did something wrong, even if I couldn’t figure out what I’d done. I chose to be taken for granted and to have my own needs ignored.

And then my eyes were opened, and I made a new choice.

I chose love. I chose happiness. I chose satisfaction and support. I chose passion.

And now when people ask me about The Writer, I say, “Well, I know this sounds ridiculous, but…I just knew.”

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11 responses to ““I Just Knew”

  1. ahhh! this gave me chills. I loved every word of this. It’s utterly unexplainable…but one day, you just DO know. It may not be instantaneous, but you know when you are MEANT to know. Love your writing!

  2. aakk! beautiful!! Gave me chills TOOO!!! love this story :) and that’s also how you know it’s aalll worth the wait!

  3. Yes, exactly. :)

    I think there’s something to be said for those choosing “lifestyles” over “love” early on in their lives. That is when we are building a life, having children, becoming who we think we should be. Then, later on, we realize that all of that stuff doesn’t mean as much as love.

    Choosing love, for me, means more at this time in my life.

    Great post!

  4. I think the majority of the population chooses to stay in relationships for no reason other than convenience. My fear was always waking up 60 years old and wishing I had gotten out 30 years prior. We have one life and it makes no sense to settle or sacrifice happiness and when women choose crappy relationships because of the fear to be alone, fear of not having money, or fear of not ever having another penis, it only means a lot of years of unhappiness. You’re a brave woman.

  5. LOVE IT! I made the choice for lifestyle versus passion the first time … this time I just knew :)

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  9. Awwwwww. Omg. I love this. XD I’m not married, but I have a serious boyfriend, and um. Let’s just say this was a good post to read. :P

  10. Pingback: And just like that, “friend” becomes “acquaintance” | singleishmom

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