Dreaming of a Baby Girl

I was reading how Maureen at Tatterscoops used to dream of pink bows, and it struck a chord with me.

Before I became pregnant and then when I found out I was, I dreamed of a baby girl. I couldn’t wait to get frilly dresses and cute outfits. I was thrilled about having a little girl to dress in those cute clothes.

I’m not really a girly-girl, but I was so thrilled about naming a baby after my mother, and baby girl clothes are just so freaking cute. And I do love pink. My husband (at the time) was a man’s man, and decided he’d be “cursed” with girls because of the way he treats women. But he started to get used to the idea.

When I went in to my sonogram, things weren’t really going well for me. My husband was doing everything he could think of to keep the marriage from failing, but everything he did pushed me further away. (Dude, seriously, when someone asks for space, don’t smother them MORE.)

I was on the sonogram table, naked from the waist down, already making plans to walk away from my marriage and pretty disgusted by my husband, and he’s stroking my (unshaven) legs and telling me I’m sexy. Not. Helpful.

And then we saw the sonogram.

I was thrilled to see my baby. Her heart was beating strong. Her hands were perfect. Her spine. Her penis.

Wait.

Her what?

Oh. We’re having a boy.

My eyes welled up. It was just one more thing going wrong.

We waited and waited for the printouts. I got dressed and started walking to my car.

On the way to my car, my husband calls me to tell me that his parents had invited us over for dinner. (Because he had immediately called them, of course.) I said no, but he could go. But he wanted to spend the evening with me (see above re: smothering).

I got to my car and I began to sob.

I texted a few people. The BFF, The Writer, and my good friend Sue. I said I knew I’d be OK in about 8 hours, but I needed to mourn the baby girl I’d expected.

Sue and I had a funny exchange about my second husband giving me a girl, which made me laugh. The Writer sent me some comforting words.

I was miserable…but within about 6 hours, I was over it. I was OK with having a boy, if not super excited.

I never really connected with Smiley while he was in the womb. He was always “the baby,” although other people used the name we had picked out. I couldn’t ever really use it.

But the minute I heard his cry in the delivery room, I fell in love. I couldn’t imagine not loving him.

And now, I can’t imagine my life any different.

I love him so much that at times my heart seems like it will burst.

When I found out I was having a boy, I had no idea what I would do with him. Boys are so “different.” So physical. But I find that I love the horseplay. I love rolling around on the floor and wrestling with him. I love chasing him and playing hide-and-seek. I love how he climbs all over me, and it’s wonderful to sneak in hugs and kisses while he’s doing that.

I’m learning about the differences between combines and tractors. (Sort of.) I’m learning about airplanes and fire engines and cars. What he’s excited about, I’ll learn about, to encourage him to learn.

And now, when I think about having another baby (one day, I hope), sure, I’d love to have a little girl, but my boy is so much fun, I would be perfectly happy with another one.

Man, I love that kid.

7 responses to “Dreaming of a Baby Girl

  1. My family of origin is all girls, my sisters had girls first and I kinda just assumed I’d have a girl first. My husband wanted a girl. I didn’t care so long as one of my future children was girl. We decided we didn’t want to know until the birth but at one sonogram the doc slipped and said her heart looks good (there had been an issue, turned out fine). So, I figured the doc messed up and my assumptions were correct. But when I finally pushed that kid out after 39 hours of labor and they said it’s a boy? We both said, “A what?????” Shocked. I didn’t know much about boys, either. But my boy is not the stereotypical boy, he liked his share of remote control cars and is physical, but that’s about it. Doesn’t like sports unless he’s playing in it. Was never a Leggos kid (I thought all boys liked Leggos — see how society brainwashes us? ) Anyway, four girls followed, so I got my girl fix times two — times two. I never really got into enjoying dressing the girls up, with so many babies we were in survival mode. My girls are not girly girls, neither am I. But girls do give you a freedom to do things without worrying about society saying (stupidly) you’re making them gay. So in that way, it is nice to have both boy and girl worlds, though by the numbers, my girl side is heavy indeed. Yeah, my kids are cool, too – da boy and da girls. Still don’t understand men, though.

  2. awww! what a beautiful story. I LOVE the love you have for Smiley and I think that’s so special and beautiful.

  3. i thought i wanted a girl, but when i got pregnant i knew right away it was a boy! i was also scared i would have no clue what to do with him. ha! funny how that works, you just love them to pieces and the rest falls into place. Now he has a little sister and, ironically, i wonder how this will work! shockingly she has a lot more baby clothes lol! Though, her big brother does pick out what she will be wearing almost every day (and doesn’t care what he wears lol). ooh i just love them both more than i thought was humanly possible! *sigh* happy thoughts :)

  4. I love this story!!! So sweet! I was convinced I was having a boy the second go round… despite the fact that my 2 year old had already declared (before I knew I was pregnant) that I had her “sister” in my belly.

    Yep, she was right!

  5. It’s not uncommon to mourn the loss of the child you’re not having. Before we know anything about our babies, their potential is limitless. They can be anything. Then when we learn something, they are THAT and none of those other things and we mourn the loss of what might have been. You’ve probably heard that before.

    I was lucky enough to have that little girl. My husband wanted a boy and now he hopes our second is a girl. His logic: She’s so msart, like you. If we have a boy, he’ll be dumb, like me. Go figure… I don’t consider his analysis correct but it’s funny how the reality changes our hopes, dreams and expectations.

    At this stage (our little girl is only 18 months old) it doesn’t sound all that different to your boy. At least, she climbs all over me and likes to wrestle and so on. That will probably change as she gets older.

  6. AW!!!!! So sweet! Don’t know what it’s like(girls) but it’s still good!

  7. What a sweet post! I don’t have any desire to have kids, but this really melted my heart. I’ve heard that a love for your child is a love like no other and it sounds like you’re living proof of that.

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