Impatient

The Writer and I recently marked our two-year anniversary. I don’t think we ended up doing anything special to celebrate, but we talked a bit about the beginning and how we got together.

It’s a very emotional memory for us. The Writer and I had been friends for years. But we were never anything but great friends. I remember at one point telling a friend that “We would totally be dating if we weren’t married to other people.”

Oh yeah. That.

We were friends. Nothing more. But our friendship began to deepen. We began to have an emotional affair. It sounds so simple, but it wasn’t simple by any means. We shared things with each other that we hadn’t talked about with our spouses. We began to flirt just a little bit. One day, the flirting got a little more serious (over e-mail), and we both realized there was something very real behind the friendship.

We met to talk about it. That might have been a mistake. I was so nervous. We may have held hands a little. He grabbed my toes. I put my hand on his neck. It doesn’t sound like much, but there was an electricity between us. We looked into each other’s eyes and couldn’t break away. There was a connection that couldn’t be denied.

We each insisted that our marriages were “fine.” Yeah, OK, our spouses could be pretty callous and selfish and downright mean, but we were just filling in the emotional cracks. We drew a line and said we wouldn’t cross it.

Then I found out I was pregnant. I was excited and scared to death. I remember the phone call to The Writer. He was the second person I told, after my husband. We came to a consensus that it was a good thing–it meant I had just as much to lose as he did, and I was going to be more invested in my marriage. But the opposite happened.

It was only a matter of weeks before that line disintegrated.

We began a passionate love affair. It was amazing. It was unsustainable.

His wife found an e-mail in which he told me he loved me. Thankfully that is all she found. She believes we had an emotional affair, although she always has suspected there was more.

My husband never knew. Still doesn’t.

We extricated ourselves from our marriages. We did not leave “for each other,” although I know it looks that way.

Once my eyes were opened to how a love could be…how it should be…I could not stay with my husband. The veil was removed and I began to see how disrespectful he was. Misogynistic. Controlling. I looked back on our few years together and saw how miserable I was. There weren’t just cracks–there were chasms. I had been swallowed up, and I realized it wasn’t healthy. (Edited to add: I know this doesn’t make what I did OK. I live with the guilt every day.)

The Writer and I stayed together. We are still together. He supported me as I moved out of my husband’s house and supported me (and practically lived with me) through the second half of my pregnancy. He took me to the hospital the night before I gave birth (and stayed the night–and left before my husband came). He has been my rock. My best friend. My love.

And now I wait.

I wait for both divorces to become final. I wait for the “right” time for us to “start dating.” I wait for the appropriate amount of time for us to “date” before he reintroduces me to his daughter. Then I wait for his daughter to accept me as her dad’s girlfriend. Then I wait for the appropriate amount of time for us to live together and get married.

We have been together for more than two years, but people can’t know that. I am ready to be public. To be truly together. But that’s not possible. Not yet.

I am impatient. But he is worth the wait.

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15 responses to “Impatient

  1. Wow. What a story. This sounds so very similar to a very close friend of mine. The man she was meant to be with…was not her husband. It was a man she’d been friends with for years, and upon meeting up once again (when her marriage was less than stellar!) and the spark was here, and they eventually began having an affair, and her marriage ended (not because of that either, but because of the misery of their marriage too) and she had to wait. A year to introduce her girls to her love (that was what her ex wished and she abided by it) and then they could be together. It was a long road, but now, they are married and are meant to be. I believe this for you too. (so glad to have found you on twitter via T!)

    • Thanks for the response. it’s good to know that there are others out there who have gone through similar situations who are on the other side and happy. I am lucky that my ex-husband is not suspicious and he knows that The Writer and I are friends, so TW has been able to spend quite a bit of time with Smiley. I haven’t seen his daughter in two years, but I now that’s the right thing for now.

  2. I appreciate the honesty in this post. Infidelity always hurts and I admire your courage in acknowledging it wasn’t the best choice.

    I say the appropriate amount of time is whatever time you and the writer feel is good. Other people will always judge but your true friends will accept. Stay strong,

    • Thanks, Mandy. I would love to be that couple that says “We got married just a week after his divorce was final!” but that’s not realistic for us. The Writer’s daughter is our main concern, since she knew me as part of a couple. I think it’ll be a hard transition for her. I am impatient, but I don’t want to rush things.

  3. Wow. I’m married…and am pretty positive that there is nothing going on like that with my husband (and obviously not me), but I can appreciate wanting to be in a relationship that is the “right” one.

    And this happened while pregnant?! I’m 21 weeks with our first and the hormones are IN-SANE. I can’t even imagine how you felt!

    • I think I was *very* lucky in my pregnancy. I didn’t have many of the issues a lot of friends had, like morning sickness or varicose veins or anything. The physical part of the pregnancy was pretty easy, which I was thankful for, since I had so much emotional upheaval. I’m also glad to know that after the hormones are mostly gone, I still feel very much the same about my ex and The Writer (though my ex was quick to blame the hormones for me leaving–God forbid he not be perfect).

  4. YAY! I love this story and of course you KNOW I completely understand it. I know this isn’t the first story of this kind. Right or wrong… it sounds like you’re going about things the best way you can… in the best interests of everyone involved, including the kids.

    Thank you for sharing this here. Wishing you both the best.

    xoo

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  6. Reading your story is what helped give me the courage to share mine. Thank you. :)

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