Tag Archives: Body Issues

I Am Stronger Than My Appetite

So after two weeks of bending my rules guidelines, I am back on the wagon. Mostly.

The Writer and I had a fun weekend with Sue, and we ate and ate…and my stomach staged a revolution. (Gross and TMI, but there it is.) Then I got back home and was just OK. Not great. it’s easier to continue to eat unhealthily than it is to get back to the diet lifestyle change.

Then there was my Thanksgiving celebration, which was so much fun, but I also consumed a lot of food.

And then a vacation–an absolutely wonderful vacation–to a little place I’ll call “Paradise,” with The Writer.

We spent four days in the Caribbean and had an amazing time. The weather was perfect. The activities we chose were perfect. And the food…oh my god, the food. <drool> It was perfect.

We had an amazing tasting menu with wine pairings and oh-so-much good food from a former chef at Le Cirque. Macadamia nut ice cream? Heavenly! We stopped at street vendors. Cheese wrapped in fried pillows? Divine! We had local meals with amazing flavors and spices. Fried plantains? Delicious!

But we also walked and hiked and walked and kayaked and swam and walked. The scale wasn’t too happy–I am up about 1.5 pounds from before we left (and I was already up a pound from my amazing first-week weight loss), but I’m also bloated (stupid PMS) and exhausted and coming down with a cold. I am  anticipating The Writer’s next business trip. And I miss Smiley so very much.

I’m trying not to beat myself up about yesterday, when we just bummed around the house and ordered pizza and generally did nothing. I’m trying to get back to my guidelines. I needed a pep talk from The Writer, but I eventually did get a salad for lunch today and, as tired as I am, I haven’t succumbed to my diet soda addiction. The fried food I had on our trip will be the last fried things I eat for a long time.

I can beat this. I can change.

On vacation, I was able to keep up with the group during the hike, but I really struggled to catch my breath a few times. We had a fire alarm in my building today, and I had to pause my conversation with a coworker as we walked up the stairs because I was too winded to continue talking. I don’t want to be that person.

I have come to think of myself as fat. I hate that. I see other people on the street and compare myself to them. I try to figure out if they are heavier than me. I can usually placate myself with, “Well, at least I’m not as big as she is!” And then a few months ago I caught a profile view of myself in a window and…oh. Ouch. I am fat.

I was very active in high school. I wasn’t quite as active in college, but I had to walk everywhere, so that helped keep my weight down. Then I started a desk job, and my weight has creeped up and up. The pregnancy didn’t help, but I was already overweight. Now I am in a place where I don’t recognize myself in the mirror. My mental image is shattered by the woman staring back at me, and I hate that. I don’t really like that woman.

That is another problem: I need to love myself. I want to love me as much as The Writer loves me. As I said before, I want to look at myself in the mirror and see what he sees.

The Writer’s pep talk helped today. He reminded me of our deal (he said he’ll buy me a dress from Anthropologie when I get to my goal!), and he reminded me that I am not the PMS. I am not the emotions. I am not my cravings. I am strong and I can change. If I succumb to emotional eating to try to make myself feel better, I’ll only feel worse afterward.

Every meal is a new chance to move forward. Sure, I had some chocolate this morning, but I was able to stick to two “fun size” bars, which works out to about 135 calories. Considering I used to have four or five of those at a sitting–sometimes twice a day–I’d say that’s a victory. I had a salad for lunch. I have taken the stairs all day. Each of those small things adds up.

I will beat this. I am more than my stomach. I am stronger than my appetite.


That’s What I Look Like?

I have 50 pounds to lose. That sounds like a very large number. No…wait…it is a very large number.

I’ll try to think of it as 10 five-pound chunks. That’s not so bad, right?


I never thought I would identify myself as someone who struggled with her weight (I was extremely active in high school), but I have to face the facts: I am 50 pounds over the highest suggested weight for my height. I have gained and lost so many pounds that I have stopped counting.

I am 20 pounds over the weight I was when I joined Weight Watchers for the first time, over ten years ago. I was successful and lost 30 pounds and made it to goal and lifetime status, but, well, here I am.

I was overweight when I got pregnant, I gained about 40 pounds, and I’ve lost only 20 of those pounds–and my boy is almost 18 months old. Wait…no…I lost 30, then I gained 10 back.

I know what I need to do. I’ve often said I could write my own weight-loss book, but it would have only two sentences:

1. Eat less.
2. Move more.

I’ve thought about following a diet plan like South Beach or Atkins or [insert diet here], but I know I need to change my lifestyle and not just follow a program. It’s not about going to meetings every week or counting calories. It’s about making better choices. I may have to join something formal, but I’d like to try to do this on my own.

I made a better choice when I chose to leave my marriage, and I need to make better nutritional and physical choices.

There are a number of reasons. In no particular order:

  • I want to feel better about myself.
  • I want to be able to keep up with Smiley and chase after him and play with him, especially has he gets bigger (and faster).
  • I want to feel sexy.
  • I want to be able to walk with my coworkers to lunch and not struggle to keep up.
  • I want to climb the stairs without getting winded.
  • I want my clothes to fit better. (Hell, I want my clothes to fit, period.)
  • I want to dig in to the box of clothes in storage and fit into some of the cute stuff I haven’t been able to get rid of. (Maybe it’ll be back in style by then!)
  • I want to go shopping and not walk out dejected and feeling crappy about myself.

I don’t have the best family history–heart disease, cancer, diabetes–and the loss of both of my parents has been painful, and I don’t want Smiley to lose his mother. Also, more selfishly, I worry that if something were to happen to me, Smiley would never know me. His father’s family would do everything they could to absorb him, assimilate him into the collective, and he would get the runaround when he asked about me, since I was the bad lady who left the precious angel. I know The Writer, the BFF, and other people would do their best to see Smiley and tell him about me, but I expect they’d be rebuffed. And I want Smiley to have every chance to grow up and be well-rounded and empathetic and independent, and I don’t think he’d have the chance if that happens.

And, apologies to those who know us in real life, but there are times when I’m with The Writer (and I mean *with*) and I feel so amazing. I see how he looks at me, how he touches me, and I feel beautiful and sexy and wonderful. He loves me the way I am, no strings attached, no conditions. And I can feel it.

Then I get out of bed and cross in front of the mirror and…thud. Oh yeah. That’s what I look like.

I want the woman in the mirror to match how I picture myself in my head. I want to look in the mirror and see the woman The Writer sees.

I’ve laid out some guidelines for myself to help fix my eating habits.This is the first part of the battle. I am an emotional eater, and I am full of emotion. I need to plan better meals, even when I’m on my own, and stop snacking.

I’m giving myself an exercise goal, but I’m having a hard time seeing how to fit it in with the little one. I do take him for walks in the neighborhood (and use the monster stroller to give me some weight to push), but I feel like there could be more I can do. I have Wii Fit, but I haven’t been using it recently. After Smiley goes to bed, I just want to relax, not exercise! I did join a gym with babysitting, which will be great for the weekends with Smiley, but it doesn’t open for two more months.

How do you fit in exercise in your daily schedule, with or without kids? What are some tricks you used to get to your goals? What are some of your standbys for tasty, healthy meals?